Two Slices of Lemon Cake: Encountering True Happiness
As I laid back on the bare grass, softly I listened. The birds were singing, out of concert with the conversation of my family surrounding the pool. The sun was out in a way here that I couldn’t access in D.C. Something about getting out to the country this year has been unexpectedly and deeply clarifying. My body felt lifeless laying on top of the earth. It felt good not having to hold myself, my thoughts, my practice, or anyone up. I vaguely scanned my memories, remembering the years family gatherings in times past were a source of anxiety. I remembered the constant work it used to require for me to feel and stay located within myself. I remembered how inferior I would feel, how out of place I was navigating conversations that didn’t quite seem to fit me. I was grateful for the distance between those memories and where life has guided me.
Staring up at the sky, clouds were now beginning to swell, taking the place of the sun. I wondered if it would soon be raining. Would I continue to lay here, even if it rained? I kinda wanted it to happen, to see what I would choose. As the clouds shifted, overlapping each other, I thought about the life I used to fantasize about. It was a life that was always pretty and neat. In this life I had the perfect family; in this family we shared everything with each other, no secrets were kept. Each night, before I fell asleep, I would be read a bedtime story and would fall asleep in the arms of my mother or father. Never ever in this fantasy life did I have to come out to my family or world regarding my sexuality. I didn’t struggle to be understood in this life. Never ever in this world did I spend so much time healing; my inner child never needed to be soothed or coaxed. In this world, I lived a beautiful, bold, and glamorous life. It was this same life, I realized, that has stood in the way of me accessing the one that I have, the one I have found. I have spent the necessary time grieving that life, recognizing the expectations that I had…the attachments to it, and slowly letting them go.
No longer trapped between these two worlds has offered me the greatest gift of all: truly seeing and knowing myself. More and more lately, when I look in the mirror, I don’t just see someone I recognize, I see someone new. I see someone who is not just psychically, emotionally, and spiritually sensitive, but who is also physically strong. I see someone I no longer underestimate; I see someone I have learned to trust and have grown to love. The person I see looking back at me is no longer willing to abandon themselves, to sacrifice their inner integrity in order to fit in or be understood. Most of all, I am curious as hell as to where else this beautiful being is leading me.
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And just like that, the sun was back out again. Our overly nice neighbors across the street were starting up their 4th of July fireworks. I smiled. I thought about how I could celebrate my own independence and path to inner freedom. Without thinking twice, I jumped up, remembering my Uncle had brought over a homemade lemon cake. After eating my first slice too quickly, I decided to get another. I chuckled. Watching myself eat this second slice without feeling guilty or ashamed. I didn’t entertain those old thoughts that once accompanied a moment such as this. This is it, I thought. This is what it means to be happy, to be found…to be located inside.
Keep going,
Dr. Darrien Jamar