Mostly Falling
It was my 6th grade spring break trip; for your average 11 year old, a trip to Orlando, Florida is one to look forward to. For me, I was having a hard time finding the potential for fun and excitement. When I emerged out of the pool that day, my hands were wrapped tightly around me. I was doing my best to conceal the parts of me that I didn’t love, that I was ashamed of. My emergence, too, was intentionally timed. I would only get out of the water when it seemed like the least amount of people were watching, when it seemed like no one would see me.
I was caught. As I pressed towards my lawn chair with my towel and shirt, it was my dad who spotted me. I believe, deeply, even to this day, that he sensed that something was off inside of me. He knew that I was having a hard time knowing and loving myself, that I was internally at war, so I don’t blame him for his response, he simply didn’t have the tools to respond in a more compassionate way. But he scolded me. He reprimanded me for holding myself in that way, he forced me to put my hands down.
Re-Writing The Fine Details of Our Past
As I look back on that moment today, I no longer see a young kid who is ashamed of their body. I no longer see or remember how fat my belly and chest appeared to me. I no longer incessantly think about how, no matter what diet I attempted, I could not lose that weight. What I see, what I feel in my heart—is someone who needed a hug. I see someone who needed love. I see someone who would have received an invitation to understand that, no matter what, you must always love yourself. I would’ve embraced hearing the words that I was too young to be worried and obsessed about my weight. I see someone who was looking for a place that they could feel safe, seen, and adored.
Its not as much that replaying that memory in its original state is toxic or nonproductive, although it is—its just that my appetite has changed. I no longer desire to watch or rewatch sad, horror films. I’d rather watch something inspiring and hopeful. And really, the reframing and rewriting of that story has happened naturally. Because I have gotten down to the root of what I needed, I understand more clearly what I didn’t get and so, it has led me to understand what I have to give myself daily, as a remedy. That’s how I have healed and emerged from a more compassionate and understanding place, by reparenting myself.
When the Clouds Clear
Many times, there can be this “natural” tendency to look back on a former version of ourselves and see all of our faults. We shift into a fuller, more aware version of ourselves and, suddenly, we have become a Pious Saint. But I warn against this tendency to think less of a former version of yourself. For one, it keeps you divided. It keeps you in the seat of Judge and Juror, and as those characters, you inevitably enlist shame. Instead, understand that who you were before wasn’t necessarily right or wrong, you just were. You were who you were moving and living in the knowledge and awareness that was available to you at the time—there is no fault in that. And it was actually the former version of you that served as the seed for who you have become and are still becoming. The goal is to not keep ourselves segregated, but integrated. The goal is to feel less divided inside, and more whole. Above all, we are learning to do away with the tendency to shame, blame, and look down ourselves and others—we are learning a new way, the way of the heart.
Mostly Falling
I still hold myself. I hug myself tightly, on my best and worst days. But now, its not from a place of shame, but from a place of love and gentle understanding. I hold myself because I have learned, over time, to see and believe in the value of my humanness, my being alive and the purpose that has been placed over my life. Yes, a more beautiful version of me has emerged—but it was as a natural byproduct of all the things I had to let fall. Mostly, this journey has been one of falling over and over again. And the more we fall, the higher we emerge. The more we fall, the deeper we grow in self-compassion. The more we fall, the more willing we are to face our fears in-spite of our fears. The more we fall, the more we learn that grace is always sufficient for the places we have to go.
If you are falling, keep falling. As you fall, though, know that you are also emerging.
Falling & Emerging Affirmation
With open arms and an open heart, I fully embrace the version of me who I am now being called to let go. With love and acceptance, I detach from this version of me, knowing that who I was has fully served its purpose. As who I was gives way, I welcome the emergence of the next version of me. I am ready to experience life and the love within myself on a higher and deeper level. With each falling and emergence cycle, I experience a soulful vibrational shift. My energetic frequency and consciousness is being raised.