How to Deal Mindfully with Rejected Expectations, Resentment, & Confusion.
March 29th, 2010
“It is with the greatest regret that I must tell you that we will not be able to offer you a place in the class entering Duke this fall.” —Duke University, Office of Undergraduate Admissions
April 1st, 2010
“I am sorry to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission for the first-year class entering this fall.” —University of Virginia, Office of Admission
The final straw was receiving a wait-list letter from James Madison University (JMU), followed by a rejection letter. Un-be-liev-a-ble. JMU was my back-up, my just in case. What do you do when, your dreams or plans are completely shattered? What do you do when everything you’ve fought and waited for, is now crumbling?
The rejection would have been less bitter had it not also represented long, hard worked hours and deep emotional investment. I remember the day “the smart kids” returned to our 9th grade Honors English class snickering while holding what appeared to be a classified document. I instantly began to investigate. By lunch time, I knew they had found out what number they were ranked in our class and they had already picked their classes for the next year. On their schedules were their first AP (Advanced Placement) courses. These classes where college level courses and GPA boosters if you did well. I quickly made my way to the guidance office, only to find out that I was ranked twenty seven. TWENTY SEVEN? Not only was I ranked twenty seven, but tied with others. “How the hell is that even possible,” I thought.
First Rejection, then Resentment.
I was pissed, I felt defeated. I felt lost. I felt unworthy. Most of all, I resented all of these schools and any person who would be attending there in the fall. It seems like I had no other choice but to attend Longwood University, a small, public liberal arts school. As a way of fighting to get exactly what I wanted, I decided I would transfer to the University of Miami after my first or second semester at Longwood. I‘d show those schools and anyone who doubted me. It was my way of trying to establish control over a situation that seemed to have beat me. It was my way of clinging to validation, to what I thought I needed: a black first generation boy from a small town attending a big school…
PAUSE for Emotional Acknowledgement.
If you are swimming in a sea of emotions out of response to COVID-19 and the drastic ways that it has changed your life, the most powerful thing you can do right now is acknowledge how you feel. Is it fear? Shout it out loud: I am AFRAID! Maybe you’re confused, like I was. Maybe you just knew deep down inside that certain things were going to happen this year and now, well, they are not. Your expectations of this year have been fully rejected. Admit to yourself, “I am so (damn) lost and confused.” My mistake back then was trying to cover up the unworthiness that came along with the rejection. I had developed an emotional relationship with attending those schools. I had saw myself walking across their campus, sleeping proudly in my dorm room with other smart kids. I had even envisioned how I would tell my family and friends that I’d been accepted into some of the most prestigious schools in the country. Above all, I had bust my ass to make it not only in the top ten, but I was ranked #5 and class president. It just didn’t make any sense.
As you acknowledge what you are feeling, you may also see the complex nature by which you began to imagine yourself in the experience. It feels as if a part of you has been taken away, stolen. It feels like you’ve let yourself down, even though it was always out of your control to begin with.
Acceptance allows you to make space for something better, for the future.
After completing my first semester at Longwood, I then realized I wasn’t transferring anywhere. I was right where I needed to be. I was happy and thriving in FarmVille: the heart of Virginia. It was only then that I began to comprehend the great mystery of those rejection letters, the countless nights spent working on college essays well past 2AM. All the AP courses that I had no business taking, Art and European History being among them. It was only then that I realized I needed to be cornered. I needed to be in a situation where I had no choice but to surrender. Had those doors to Duke or UVA been open, I would have ran through them full speed.
I realize today that we don’t always know what’s best for us. We think we do. We want what we want when we want it. But we’re sometimes too close and emotionally invested (sometimes in the wrong ways and for the wrong reasons, as in my case). It’s only after the fact that you look back and say to yourself: “Ah, yes, I see now. Now it makes sense”. After you acknowledge how you feel, the next step is to accept that there is something happening that you can’t see or fully comprehend. Accept that while one door is being closed, another one will soon be opened. Essentially, you’re leveling up hope and activating Faith as a way to make sense of your world.
The Wisdom of Not Knowing.
After receiving my second rejection letter, I walked into my Grandma Mary and Pop-Pop James house, hoping no one would be home for a while. It seems the coast was clear, so I sat down trying to stop the tears from flowing. My eyes were tired and strained. Then, I heard boots scuffing across the floor. “Shit,” I thought. It was my Pop-Pop James in his black, snake print boots. Sipping on his coffee from the morning, humming to some old Baptist hymn. He jolted to a stop, as if he had seen a bear in front of him. He was as surprised as I with my vulnerability that day. My reputation as being strong hadn’t evaded him. He scuffed over, still humming. “Now what’s wrong wit you, Dee!!” I told him everything, trying to hold back from fully breaking down. He took a sip of his cold coffee, thought for a moment, and said, “Well, its out of your hands now ain’t it…let it work itself out.” He turned around, scuffed away and continued humming.
My Pop-Pop James is no longer with us, but I carry his words in my heart each time that life seems to contradict my established expectations. It is in those moments when I am reminded to surrender my illusion of having any control over my life. It’s a reminder that after you’ve tried and done all you can, you have to surrender.